Who Wants To Get Insane?! DIG DEEP!

Nothing like seeing that ONE disgusting ass picture of yourself in your WTF-WAS-I-MOTHER-EFFING-INHALING days (or in my case, two or three or four and then some pictures) to really boost your confidence. Did I swallow an entire cow for breakfast that day?! How the hell did I let these slip through my strict “NO DOUBLE CHIN PHOTOS ALLOWED” policy on Facebook? Needless to say… UNTAG!

Luckily that same day I was wallowing in self pity and untagging my fat pictures was the day Sergeant M texted to force, I mean, ask if I would be interested in doing a nine week work out plan called "Insanity" with her and if I thought the other girls would be in. I did a follow up text response containing a mad face (you know, the red one -- the ultimate mad face), a broken heart, a crying-laughing face (hahaha! How dare this fool think I'm going to work out six days a week for nine weeks! Hilarious! The nerve!), a dead face with X's for eyes and the gun pointing to its head (that would be me after the first day of a work out, I mean it's called INSANITY for fucks sake) -- beer bottles, and poop (for good measure) -- you know, all the real cute emojis.

She emailed the girls and discussed a new workout routine that required nothing other than DVD’s, a strict diet and your own self motivation. No weights, resistance bands or other equipment was needed; you used your own weight as a means of gym equipment. She provided the DVD’s and those willing to join were encouraged to group text and picture message exactly what we were eating throughout the day, any time/anything we ate, check-in via FourSquare upon doing the work out, send pictures of your body throughout the course of 9 weeks this program lasts and email results of a fit test to everyone – you know, not so everyone can tease and make you feel guilty for eating a doughnut, two croissants drenched in butter, McDonald’s breakfast (“Let me get a sausage egg  mcmuffin, please, with an OJ, oh! And throw in a hashbrown in there for me! Wait, TWO hashbrowns for a $1?! Make that TWO hashbrowns, I mean who can pass up on a deal like that?!”), down a Starbucks frap and maybe a low-fat yogurt thrown in the mix to make yourself feel better about eating all that for a semi-large breakfast in one sitting, but so we can motivate one another to eat better.

If it wasn’t for Sergeant M and Second-In-Command A, I probably would have wasted a thousand dollars signing up for Lifetime Fitness, jogged for 20 minutes,  do some time with the free weights, looking like some inept asshole. I would have bought a slew of healthy food at Harris Teeter. I would have signed up for a two year subscription for Fitness magazine so I could do whatever “Get flat abs in 2 hours!” exercise and spent a ridiculous amount of money on iPhone apps to track my exercise and count calories. Only to get distracted and inhale a few Big Macs for a midnight snack and give up.

Obviously, I don’t have the discipline to a.) have an eating disorder or b.) get “addicted to the gym” (because I mean, really, who the eff really gets addicted to the gym? I’d rather be addicted to ice cream, Nuetella and croissants) so I just want to say a deep, heartfelt THANK YOU to my INSANITY GIRLS. If it weren’t for you girls, I would still be fat, unmotivated, eating disgustingly, did I mention fat and the owner of three chins. You girls really keep me inspired and motivated. I have NEVER, EVER been able to complete a mile without stopping and walking (I mean, I didn’t have a 14 minute mile in high school or anything…) the remaining 3/4 of it. But thanks to you all and insanity, I was able to run two miles without stopping! We completed a freaking EIGHT K. FIVE FREAKIN’ MILES! In less than an hour! Okay, so I may have skipped a block or two, but whatever, N parked like 18 blocks away from Freedom Plaza and denied my request to cab it, so that counts for something, right? Never would I have ever seen myself doing an 8K. Now Runamuck’s 5K is vastly approaching in two weeks and I’m actually eggcited for it? Who would have ever effin’ thought? Sure as hell not me. I’ve been disgustingly sick for a month and skipped out on working out for two weeks and wasn’t keeping up with Insanity but now I’m getting back into the swing of things and it surprisingly feels good, you know, aside from the soreness that inevitably comes along with Shaun T’s ridiculous work outs. THANKS GIRLS! Can’t wait to cross that finish line with yall on the 30^th! <3 I love yall! (And I still love you skinny bitches that aren’t doing Insanity and eat in front of us while watching us dig deep with Shaun T. And no, I’m not referring to YOU AT ALL, BESTIE!)

Things I'm Currently Obsessed With:

Vietnamese Coffee: Spam gave me like 50+ packets of when I stopped by to see the kids on Saturday (and NOT hang out with Pam, duh). I will need to either go over there more to steal some when I run out or buy my own. PS: I am obsessed with penguins, as well! I love my coffee mug!

Pinkberry. O M G. D & I are OBSESSED.

Words With Friends (WWF) -- Play me! Regina Rose. I have a love/hate relationship with this game. I get utterly obsessed and stay up all hours of the night to come up with creative ways to use all my letters then get bored and lose all my games due to lack of moves. Playing with N before he gave up was hilarious. He would lose so badly. He played words like "cat", "this", and most recently "puppy" for 17 points and he was talking shit. "BOOM! mother fucker!" he said. Meanwhile I play words illustrated in the picture above and he's still talking shit? SJ, initially playing with you was funny. You would lose but be like, "technically, I am WINNING, because I play really fast." N feels the same way. I don't have the heart to tell him speed in a game akin to Scrabble isn't necessarily the champion way of going at it. He's really good at this motorcycle game called "lanesplitter" (go figure, he is a rider! But SPEED is the winning factor at least!), though! That's also a fun game that he actually beats me in. But WWF? Bless his heart.

Bake Shop Red Velvet = HEAVEN

Instagram App! <3 Love it. Follow me @ reginarosek.

N's parents new puppy. Her name is Keiko -- means happy child in Japanese. She is absolutely the happiest little puppy in the universe. She rules all that encompasses in the T household. And who can say no to her floppy little ears and fat little belly?!

And lastly, I am IN LOVE with Miguel's song -- Sure Thing. For the girls heading up to NYC with me next weekend -- I WILL be playing this song on repeat the entire drive there AND back, so prepare yourselves. I don't want to hear any complaints, as I am forewarning you all well in advance. Yes, Bestie, just like when I was obsessed with Natalie's -- Going Crazy. I have already conferred with DMX and he is OK with this song playing on repeat for 8 hours.

Bikeshmikes...

So I'm trying this new adventurous thing out... I believe you people call it exercise??

I realize bikes have gears and different speeds but as soon as I force myself on that death trap, all I can think about is, "Hmm, which gear do I want to use to torture myself today?" I don't see speeds 1 - 21. I really don't. All I see is 5 -- for serious body burning sensations, 10 -- just kill me now, 15 -- this damn bike seat REALLY hurts my vagina, to 21 -- straight up death. DEATH, I tell you.

Anyway, searched high and low for a great bike that's affordable. N and I went to a few bike shops where they were charging prices anywhere from $409 (being the "cheapest"...?!) to $3500. Having to sell a few of my organs on CraigsList seems a little extreme to pay for a bike. No, thanks, SPOKES. I'll go elsewhere... Off to Wal-Mart we went and found a few I was interested in. Of course, I had extremely important variables when looking for a bike. First one being, COLOR. A pretty one at that. Okay, I admit, that was basically my only requirement. This one definitely fit the bill (c'mon, it's PURPLE! Had it been turquoise, I would have considered pawning off a purse) and after paying my left lung for it, I rode out into the dimly lit sKreetz of Wal-Mart's parking lot and had a couple of haterZ. I know my ride is tight. No need to be jealous...

N installed a water bottle holder as soon as we got home for our first ride. Howevah (said like Lil' Mama from ABDC), I am still trying to convince him I neeeeeed a few things before my bike is complete. 1.) A basket. I mean, what else am I supposed to stick my freaking snacks in? HELLO! N doesn't seem to think this is necessary but I think Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips are absolutely VITAL to my life during bike rides. 2.) A helmet. I am accident prone. N won't let me ride my full face Shoei for bicycle rides. 3.) A night light to attach to the front of my bike. N and I get home late from work so by the time we're ready to ride, it's evening and now that summer is almost dunzo (I know, depressing), the sun sets faster than we anticipate. Riding your bike in pitch black darkness and dim streetlights isn't the most ideal. Actually, I have a new NUMBER ONE NEED – a new effing bike SEAT! The one on there is NOT comfortable in ANY way, shape or form. UGH. Anything else you think I may need? Let me know in the comments, pReeze!

Oh yeah, so N and I rode about 2 miles yesterday for a quick ride around 9PM after the rain let up. I am straight struggling to get up this stupid ass hill (shut up, you really take these hills for granted while driving in a car) and some kids in a truck drive by and yell some nonsense out the window. Umm…?! Whatever. We get to the end of our trail and turn around. The truck does a u-turn in order to pass us again and yells in our direction, "NICE MUSCLE SHIRT, DUDE!" I'm all, Aww! Thanks! As I look down at my shirt. I’m wearing this really cute black t-shirt with green headphones on the front... and they don’t really show my muscles, wait… so who could they be talking to… Oh, yeah. N! Him. They did one more u-turn but it was dark outside and of course N and I are wearing all black (now that I think about it; who does that? We’re just asking to be hit by a car.) while riding at night, so they probably couldn’t see us on the trail. People have no lives. Can I just struggle up this hill in PEACE without having to hear any of your nonsense? KIDS.

By the way, N is really encouraging. He’ll ride next to me and say, “You’re doing great, Love!” or “Keep it up!” or my personal favorite, “BABE! DON’T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF GOING UP A HILL!” Meanwhile, I’m screaming and cursing out in pain, while he’s trying to keep me in positive spirits. Him: “Keep peddling, Baby. Try not to stop while going up a hill. You’ll lose stamina.” Me: “STFU, I’LL STOP PEDDLING IF I WANT TO. OWWW. MY EFFING LEGS ARE BURNING OFF.” After that, I usually threaten to jump off the bike, throw it in the street, happily watch it get ran over by a truck and hail a cab to get home. Maybe those kids in the truck would like to volunteer to smash my bike into tiny, shiny, purple pieces. Or maybe one day, when I build up my stamina, I’ll be able to thank him for being so encouraging, instead of cussing his happy ass the eff out...